Lessons Learned in the Healing Process

For the past two months, I have spent much of my time lying on the couch resting with little to no energy. Being forced to rest and heal can be frustrating, but is eye-opening and full of lessons to be learned.

As a yoga teacher, I have been traveling from Hawaii to Costa Rica to help put on month-long yoga teacher trainings. I spent the months of April, July and November of 2012, as well as January 2013 in Costa Rica.

After the November 2012 training, I headed to my hometown in Maryland to visit my family and friends for the month of December. In the middle of the month, a bunch of red, itchy bug bites showed up out of nowhere, all over my body. By the end of the month, all the bites had disappeared except for two — one on my ankle and one near my elbow.

I headed to Costa Rica again at the beginning of January, keeping an eye on the bites. They remained — and kept getting bigger and bigger, opening up to become lesions.

After coming back home to Hawaii at the beginning of February, I saw many doctors with many different opinions. The first doctor I saw thought it was a parasitic disease called leishmaniasis, common in Central America, the Middle East, and Asia. Since it is not found in the States, I was passed from doctor to doctor, as well as put on strong antibiotics that were extremely harmful to my body (and were not anywhere near what I needed for treatment).

Finally, while suspecting it was this disease and not being able to live my life because of these lesions, fatigue and weakness, I decided to go home to Maryland for proper diagnosis and treatment. I am still here and have been here for five weeks. After being diagnosed with leishmaniasis, I am part of a study at National Institutes of Health in DC and I’m thankfully receiving the proper treatment and care.

It looks like I’ll be here another couple weeks while finishing treatment, before heading back to Hawaii.

This particular strain of leishmaniasis that I have is not life threatening, but some can be. It’s made me open up my eyes and look at what healing, vitality and good health really are. It has made me realize how much I take for granted feeling good and being energized, healthy and strong.

I’ve had a lot of time to rest. I spend my time lying on the couch, writing, blogging, reading, watching movies and when I have enough energy, visiting friends. I have been daydreaming about getting back to practicing yoga, running and working out. As well as teaching yoga and personal training. I’m just now starting to be able to practice yoga, workout & start again on the road to building strength.

I want to share and be honest and open about what my experience has been. It hasn’t been super fun, but I know that everything happens as it should and resisting what is only makes the suffering worse. I know there are lessons to be learned in what life gives you.

The lessons I have learned so far:

1. First, I’ll get the negative part out of the way. I feel strongly about warning people and making travelers aware of the situation.

I will most likely never go back to Costa Rica again. I know of six other people who have gotten leishmaniasis — all at the same retreat center where I was staying. Retreat centers or wherever you are staying, do not and will not warn you of this. The retreat center I stayed at multiple times knew that several of their customers have gotten leishmaniasis, but will not warn their visitors in fear of scaring them off. (**Please contact me if necessary for more information on the retreat center.) Leishmaniasis is common in Costa Rica, contracted by being bitten by an infected sandfly. Depending on the species, it eats away at flesh, mucous membrane and/or internal organs. If you go at all to Costa Rica, wear bug spray ALL THE TIME.

2. There is still negativity surrounding the whole situation, because when I write about it, some anger starts to arise. I am learning to let it go. But still want to make people aware and possibly spare people the way it turns life upside down.

On a lighter and more positive note…

3. I can be who I am and be honest. Having my energy drained very easily lately, I have no energy to waste. Right now, I can’t afford to be uneasy. I can’t add to my dis-ease. I have to be who I am. Raw and honest. Effortless and at ease. Plain and simple.

4. Imperfection is OK. Actually, it’s beautiful. It’s real, it’s authentic, it’s LIFE.

5. I am forced to slow down, rest and be gentle with myself during this time. I am aware of my energy and my needs. It’s ok to allow myself to do nothing, to just be, to rest. It allows for quality time with myself, reflection and introspection. It makes me be kind and gentle with myself. I don’t need to always be DOING something or to be proving myself in one way or another. I AM. And that’s all that matters right now.

6. I am taking true CARE of myself. I handle myself with care. I have been health conscious for most of my life, exercising and eating healthy most of the time, but now more than ever, I am aware of what I put into my body and how it may affect the healing process.

7. Surrender and humility — huge and powerful lessons of life. I would not wish this disease for myself or for anyone else ever. But there is nothing I can do. This is what IS at the moment. I don’t know why and that’s ok. I am not in control. I surrender. I am humbled. Something larger and higher than little me is working, and I choose to trust the process. I choose to let go of my resistance and grasp on trying to control. I am open — to learning, to healing, to LIFE.

8. Perhaps I will become a better yoga teacher and personal trainer because of this experience. With very little strength, I am being forced to start all over again. I am back to the basics and have to build strength from the ground up.

9. “All sickness is homesickness. All healing is homecoming,” says Dianne Connelly. It’s interesting that I had to come to my original “home” in Maryland for this healing process. Home in this sense of homecoming and homesickness is not the home we grew up in that we might think of. It’s HOME in the sense of being at home within oneself. It’s a return to one’s true being, a return to wholeness. I can say that I am returning to my self, healing and reclaiming my home within.

♡ ♡ ♡

Like I said, I know everything happens for a reason & life gives us what is necessary for growth & depth. There have been many positives to having to come to Maryland for this healing process. Family, friends, my cats, friends’ kids, the birth of a friend’s firstborn baby girl, East Coast Spring trying to make her appearance and more. :)

I am almost done with medication and gaining more and more energy and strength each day. My wounds are slowly but surely healing too. :)